It's all me

Monday, April 10, 2017

- via The Rad Alien -

It doesn't make sense... to believe that someone, a therapist, a partner, a friend, a pill... will fix your life. That's what I've wanted, every time I've felt miserable, just for something or someone to fix me.

I told today my therapist... I feel like I'm floating, swirling around the main living plane. Just, imagine, the living plane as an infinite cylinder, well, I'm the satellite orbiting around it, just chilling, isolated, sad.

I haven't told many people but I feel disgusting. I've gained a lot of weight - "but you look fine!" everyone would say though. I've gained 10Kg in the past 6 months. For some it may not seem like much but I don't recognize my body. I don't recognize who I am anymore. I barely fit some clothes and mostly don't or feel terrible in them.

I've been living in my pyjamas for the past three weeks - literally, and I've washed them twice, yeah, only twice. At least they are comfy, but at the end of the week they all reek - a sign that I'm human at last.

I am lost in space and time, and the only person that can help me is myself - FUCK. But how can I help myself when I feel sad, miserable, useless and disgusting? How do I get back to any routine? Going to the gym for 15 minutes is already a torture, I feel every inch of my fat moving around and disgust myself yet again. My body aches, my mind aches... everything aches.

Also I have a sore throat, why not. But at least one positive thing has come out of this, I've rearranged and decorated my desk, so now I have a place to sit and feel comfortable. It's something.

I miss my other self, the one I once was.

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