Sunday, May 7, 2017

suculents, plants, cozy
(via: Mobile Ghost)

I've been wanting a new shower head for about 2 years. The one we have since we moved here works, we can get showered ok, but the water flow is not good enough and it is getting destroyed. This is something I know would improve my quality of life at home, yet I haven't bought one yet, instead I have loads of other shit I've been buying since.

How is it, that if I've wanted a new shower head for 2 years, a handbag - that I don't need - seems more important or relevant than the shower head? What the fuck? I feel crap all the time for things like that. Why is it that in my brain, other things that I really don't need, but want, seem more important to something I know would be amazing...

I don't know. I'm on my period, cramping like crazy and sad. I know I'm selfish. I've been trying for a long time to correct it. I've tried so many things. Yet I find myself over and over again making selfish choices.

Do you think humans can stop being selfish?

It's all me

Monday, April 10, 2017

- via The Rad Alien -

It doesn't make sense... to believe that someone, a therapist, a partner, a friend, a pill... will fix your life. That's what I've wanted, every time I've felt miserable, just for something or someone to fix me.

I told today my therapist... I feel like I'm floating, swirling around the main living plane. Just, imagine, the living plane as an infinite cylinder, well, I'm the satellite orbiting around it, just chilling, isolated, sad.

I haven't told many people but I feel disgusting. I've gained a lot of weight - "but you look fine!" everyone would say though. I've gained 10Kg in the past 6 months. For some it may not seem like much but I don't recognize my body. I don't recognize who I am anymore. I barely fit some clothes and mostly don't or feel terrible in them.

I've been living in my pyjamas for the past three weeks - literally, and I've washed them twice, yeah, only twice. At least they are comfy, but at the end of the week they all reek - a sign that I'm human at last.

I am lost in space and time, and the only person that can help me is myself - FUCK. But how can I help myself when I feel sad, miserable, useless and disgusting? How do I get back to any routine? Going to the gym for 15 minutes is already a torture, I feel every inch of my fat moving around and disgust myself yet again. My body aches, my mind aches... everything aches.

Also I have a sore throat, why not. But at least one positive thing has come out of this, I've rearranged and decorated my desk, so now I have a place to sit and feel comfortable. It's something.

I miss my other self, the one I once was.

Just Skin

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I'm struggling

Friday, March 24, 2017

I'm lost in space

It's been a few rough months.

I'm in a very dark place. Most things don't make sense anymore. I'm lost in space, and it looks like there's nothing to hold on to whilst floating.

You can be loved, you can be praised, you can be social, you can be fake. I usually have a curtain, it's not to hide in but to try and fix myself. I love my normal (non psychologically affected) self, but it's been a good while since I've been her.

Floating isn't that bad... but I don't wanna float forever, I just wan to get my brain fixed, and function as the human I should be. But, what does that even mean? The human I should be? I still haven't even defined what I should be... everything is so unknown, so trivial, I'm lost.

I hope just writing some of my thoughts will help myself. Mostly not, but, I know there's at least one person out there who can relate... and it's fucking awful, isn't it?

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